Dear Mr. Lowry (an Advent Devotional)

Mary did you know...?

"Yes, and I know a lot more about all of it than you do Mr. Lowry and everyone else to ever cover this beautiful, yet Biblically unsound question. Let me tell you what I knew.

I know that an angel appeared to me and called me favored, but not only favored in some general way, favored by the most high God, the I Am, the I will be, the one who created and sustained and delivered and made free.

I know the angel told me to not be afraid, even though I had every reason to be. I was more child than woman at that point. And while I was to be joined with Joseph I had not yet been, and this angel told me that I would be a mother.

I may not know much but I know that virgins do not give birth, but this one did.

I know that the angel told me that the Holy Spirit of the Most High would come upon me and plant within me life. I know that the life within me, a son, would not just be my child, but would be the very Son of God. That he would be a king with a kingdom that would not end.

I know that from that point on people would call me, a scared virgin girl, blessed.

I know that by the life within me God would show mercy to all generations. By the life within me God would scatter the proud and powerful. By the life within me God would bring down rulers from their thrones but would also uplift the humble. By the life within me God would fill the hungry with good things but take away the things that "the rich" had. By the life within me things would get turned upside down and that the way of the Lord would walk upon the world.

I know that angels appeared to shepherds who arrived at the baby's bedside to worship him. I know they left that place and told more and more. 

I know that when we brought Jesus to the temple an old man called him God's salvation and told me that he would cause the rising and falling of many, and that he would cause a sword to pierce my side, if it were only my side that had been pierced. I also know that Anna, a prophetess, said that my child would bring about the redemption of Israel.

So yes, I knew that the sleeping child that I held was the great I AM. I knew that he would deliver me, but had I known how that deliverance would have happened I would have spirited him away to Egypt and never returned. The better question Mr. Lowry is, do you know what it cost me to give my son to deliver you?"

Adapted from Luke 1:26-2:40

Peace and Love,

Pastor K

Another Advent Devotional

 Close your eyes

Wait…

Not yet…

Open them back up. Gosh, you’re so impatient. Wait to close your eyes until after I tell you what you are supposed to imagine when they are closed. 

Now, when they are closed I want you to imagine darkness, shouldn’t be too difficult, but then I want you to imagine a time when you were surrounded by darkness and then there was a light. Perhaps it is at a Christmas Eve service at church where they turned off the lights and then one candle was lit, and then another, and another, until the whole room was full of light. Perhaps you were taking a walk in the woods and time got away from you and you were headed back to your car and the sun went down so you took small step after small step hoping not to trip on a random root or stone until the light of the parking lot finally illumined your way. Perhaps you woke up from a nightmare scared out of your wits but then your eyes adjusted and you could see the LED of the clock telling you it is 3:13 and you still have a couple more hours to sleep.

What did you see? Did you see it only? Did you also feel it? Did you feel the darkness like a weighted blanket holding you to the spot, feeling it slow you down, feeling it as if it was a tangible force weighed against you? Interestingly I can not imagine things in my mind’s eye, but I can very much remember the feeling of each of those examples and remember the strength of the dark.

But, I also remember the strength of the light. The amount of warmth from that first candle, and then the growing warmth of the other candles, joining together to brighten a room. I remember the safety of the parking lot fluorescent allowing me, and my girlfriend at the time, to see slightly better with each step. I remember the comfort of the mundane seeing the clock. I also remember the feeling of power in the creation of my eye able to take the ambient light surrounding me to make the darkness not as imposing in each and every circumstance.

In Isaiah 2:9 the prophet says,  “The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of deep darkness a light has dawned.”

In John 1:4 & 5 the gospel writer says “In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”

You see there is darkness, all around, all the time. There is the darkness of hate. There is the darkness of prejudice. There is the darkness of abuse. There is the darkness of neglect. There is the darkness of lies. There is the darkness of overindulgence. There is the darkness of exploitation. There is the darkness of misleading. There is darkness all around, and yet, there is light also. Light that is hope. Light that is life. Light that is love. And as sure as Jesus pierced the darkness with his life we in turn continue to pierce the darkness each moment we live as though he lives in us. That is the true beauty of Advent, a light enters into the darkness. God dwells among. Love invades. Life blossoms. Hope prevails.

A light enters into the darkness.

God dwells among.

Love invades.

Life blossoms.

Hope Prevails.

The darkness is there, but the light comes and makes the darkness easier to navigate. There will still be dark corners, still be places where understanding is difficult to find, where peace is a wispy mistress, where we must tread carefully so as not to trip or to get lost. But even though there is darkness, there will always be a light for those who seek it out and know how to follow its beam.

Darkness and Light. Possibly the whole point of the Bible can be condensed down into those two words. It is the story of creation. It is the story of the flood.  It is the story of Exodus. It is the story of David. It is the story of exile. It is the story of Advent and Christmas. It is the story of Lent and Easter. It is the story of Revelation’s destruction and a world made new. And we will return to this concept again.

Peace and Love,

Kenny

A 2 Advent Devotional

 In Luke 14 Jesus tells a parable of a great banquet. In the story a man was preparing for the great feast and had invited many people, when the feast was ready he sent his servant out to tell the guests that it was time. But when the servant started delivering the news the guests started delivering excuses. One said that they had just made a large purchase of land and needed to inspect it. Another had purchased some oxen and needed to make sure they were of good stock. A third had just gotten married, and, well, they were about to be busy, wink, wink.

The servant came back to his master and delivered the news that all who had previously been invited had decided that there were more important things that deserved their attention. The servant's master became angry and told his servant to then go out into the streets, into the dark corners, into the forgotten places and once there he should invite all that he would find. If there were poor who needed fed, they should come. If their were those with physical limitations, the blind, the lame, the handicapped, they should be invited. The servant went and did as he was told.

When the servant came back this time he told his master that it had been done, and they had arrived, but that there was still room. So the master told his servant to keep going, to all the roads and the country side and to invite all that he came across, friend and stranger alike. And then, finally the master said that those who were first invited would not get one morsel from his table.

In all my years this parable has always been a warning about being ready for when Jesus returns, someday, at sometime, in the future, that we do not know. And while I think this is still true, this morning I had a new thought. Mary was preaching about Advent, the time of waiting for Messiah's entrance and she talked about how the words translated Wonderful Counselor in Isiah 9:6 is, in the TANAK (Hebrew translation of the first testament), translated instead of God who is planning grace. With that she started talking about the second Advent, the one in which we currently find ourselves, the Advent of Christ's returning.

Sitting there the parable I shared above popped into my head and I started thinking about how if A=B then B=A. And if the promise of the first Advent is true for the second Advent then the warning of the second Advent was true about the first Advent. With that thought I started thinking anew about the parable, and about 2020 and about 1918 and about how during the flu epidemic then things shut down and during the COVID epidemic now things shut down and how history is always repeating itself in some way, because humanity is always repeating itself in some way, because what was true about us 100 years ago is still true about us now, because what is true about us now will be true about us in the future. And if that is the case then what is true about us in the time of Jesus's return was true about us at Jesus's birth. A=B then B=A, and it does.

Isaiah lays out his prophesy, lays out the promise, 100s of years before the manger. We know this because we can read it today, but we also know that they knew this at the time because of the wisemen's story to Herrod [Matthew 2], "doesn't it foretell" they say. The knowledge was available, the truth was out there. But who shows up at Jesus's bedside? Is it the wisened? Is it the learned? Is it the wealthy? Is it the powerful? Is it anybody in the know? No, it is not. 

The ones that show up are shepherds, because angels appeared to them in country lanes. The shepherds show up because they are the only ones not too busy paying attention to other things to notice the miraculous. And in noticing the miraculous they reorient their plans to make a journey.

The story goes that the wisemen, whom we traditionally call kings were mostly like stargazers, which makes perfect sense. Only someone staring at the stars all the time would notice something that wasn't there before. And when they notice it they try to figure out why its there, and in figuring out the reason they are so compelled that they set everything else aside and make the journey. 

In each case it was the ones who were not too busy, the ones without more important things to do, or people to see. Which makes me think back to that parable and about how Jesus can tell a story about how we will be in the future because he already knows how we have been in the past. Jesus came and those that should have rejoiced ignored. Of course that is what is going to happen upon his returning. The question we are left with, the question Jesus always leaves us with is will we be ready? will we be willing? what will we allow to hold us back? what will propel us forward? in the end, who will show up for the grand banquet, and who will go hungry?

peace and love,
Kenny

A Fuller Vision

I would like to start this off by saying a few days ago I had, for lack of a better term, a vision while driving to work. I would like to say it’s been a few days but that is not the truth. The truth is that it’s been weeks, over a month, maybe over 2, I’m not exactly sure. But it hasn’t been days, it should have been, but it hasn’t. I say it should have been because this thing inside me, while not new to me, is perhaps the most important realization I have ever come to in my life.

As I say, it is not new to me, it is not new to this decade nor this century nor this millennium, people have realized this truth since before my time and your time, before my father's time and his father's and his mother's and her mother's, for thousands of years this truth has existed, it just took me 41+ years to realize it.

So, now that I have hyped what I am about to say to such a ridiculous degree, let us begin again.

A month or so ago I was driving to work and I had, for lack of a better word, a vision. In my former life I was a pastor, while I am still ordained I do not hold the official title of pastor, and in truth I don’t know if I ever will again or if I even ever want to. But in my vision I was speaking in front of a large audience telling them about my new (very old) understanding. Which I will sum up in one sentence and then spend an unknown (to me at the moment) amount of space to unpack.

Our lives are meant to be understood as one collective story, instead of as just our own individual story.

You see....
Every moment....
Every breath....
Every heartbeat....
Isn’t just yours or mine, they are ours.
When your heart beats my life is changed. When I draw breath your life is changed. By each decision by each one of us the world is changed. Like a pebble hitting the water and the ripples expanding as they flow outward.... So it is with everything.

The great teachers have all known this, from Buddha to Moses to Jesus to Mohammed, each one attempts to place us all in something greater than ourselves. This story that is beyond just us, it is a place where the kingdom of God is, where we are God’s chosen, where we find enlightenment, where we find submission, where we find fulfillment, where we find a life that is full. When we focus on ourselves we are always lesser for it, we may find peace or hope or joy or love in the moment, but they are always snatched away, but when we find ourselves in a story that is not just about ourselves we are enlarged, we become more than we ever dreamed, than we ever hoped for, than we ever even thought we could hope or dream for.

When we enter into US we slip off the failures that we have been. We slip off the lack that we believe we are. We slip off the shackles of pain and discouragement and cruelty and everything else that has held you and me down. We slip them off because we no longer have to rely on our own personal power, we are tethered to something beyond ourselves, we are tethered to each other, we find the power in community.

This is not community that you find at the gym or at the party or even at church, this is a community that transcends. It transcends time. It transcends situation. It transcends the barriers that we assume are there. It transcends our fears. It transcends our possibilities. It transcends our pasts. It even transcends our futures, because by being together we can usher in those times that have been spoken about for eons. Those times when lions lay down with lambs. Those times when no one goes hungry. Those times when we all have enough because we finally understand that it is not just about the individual but it is about the collective.

The interesting thing about being part of a collective story is that it actually makes the individual even more important. Because each of us are needed for the story to be all that it can be. Each birth, each confession of love, each new day affects the arc of the universe. Your choices greatly impact the story of not just others, but of us all. you quite literally CHANGE THE WORLD every single moment. Each choice cascades around the globe in minute and grandiose ways. Your absence would greatly affect the story's arc and without you none of us could reach the intended end of the story. Each death, each suicide adversely affects the whole of creation, it is never just your bubble that feels the effects, but, again, like the pebble the ripples reverberate beyond what you are capable of understanding.

Some years back I sat through a sermon where the preacher told us that when the Bible speaks about you it is not the individual you but rather the Southern U.S. ya’ll. It is the idea that this journey was never meant to be a solo pilgrimage but rather an ocean of souls moving in one direction, towards a brighter tomorrow and a brighter today and a brighter right now. A place where heaven meets the now, where the indwelling surrounds each and every one of us.

This is devoid of religion, either in specificity or in generality. This is not a Christian thought or a Buddhist thought or a Muslim thought or a Jewish thought, this is a “whole of creation” thought. This is what Martin Luther King Jr spoke of when he talked about the arch of the universe bending toward justice. This is what Ghandi spoke of when he talked about an eye for an eye making the whole world blind. This is what Jesus spoke of when he said of people who have ears to hear and eyes to see. We must become WE instead of me. Me has broken us all into minutiae. Me has destroyed our connections so that we are black or white, red or blue, man or woman, child or adult, wealthy or poor, educated or backward, conservative or liberal. Me has divided us down into the no-common denominator, we are fractured, but not so fractured that we can’t be healed, it is my firm belief that we can be healed.

A month or so ago I was driving to work and I had, for lack of a better word, a vision. It was a vision of understanding, of being able to look at my life with new eyes, of being able to understand the twists and turns and flip flops and loop-de-loops, they all finally and clearly made sense. It was the feeling that everything that has happened in my life had led to something, not by nitpicking design but through gentle nudges and choices of myself and others.

It was a vision of clarity, of finally understanding that I was part of something bigger than myself, and I didn’t need to join something, I was already a part of it, I didn’t need to learn anything, I already knew all I needed to know, I didn’t need to be shown anything, I merely had to look at what was already in front of me. I pray that you would look at what is already in front of you. I pray that you would realize what I realized in that moment. Because our story needs you and it needs me, this is not a world where we are all the stars of our own movies, rather it is the golden globe winner for best ensemble, if you choose to join what you are already a part of.

Thus endeth the sermon, but not the connection.

Melodies Stuck in My Head 5

Hello, Goodbye - Summer 1998

For awhile during my junior year of college the chorus of this song was my voicemail,

Chorus:
Hello, goodbye
I'll see you on the other side
time has taken you away
now I have nothing left to say

We were friends long ago
best of friends since birth
you grew up weak
I grew up strong
time twisted you
time molded me
I believed in love
you believed in hate
but we always found a common ground
between our wrongs and rights

Chorus: x 2

We never knew each other
strangers through the midst of time
I don't know you
you don't know me
time changed us
but we're still the same
I believe in you
do you believe in me too?
but we never got to find a common ground
between our wrongs and rights

Chorus: x 3


Dreams come Reality - Spring 1999

Over the course of my life I have had my fair share of girlfriends, but I had a ton more crushes, this is about the girl I probably had a crush on the longest. The thing is later I found out that a good chunk of the time I had a crush on her she actually had a crush on me, which of course floored me. This song was written pretty much the day after I found out. I sang it in the car and wrote it down once I finally got to where I was going.

Is this what it feels like when dreams come reality
is this what it feels like now
the stars seems to be
a little more plentiful
the sun seems to be more bright

I've cared for you for so long
thought it was just a dream
I've thought about you nightly
for what seems like a lifetime
and now I'm far away
and now I've found out
my dreams could have been at least somewhat true
now I find while I'm so far away
my dreams could have included you
I don't know why
it takes so long to say the words I need to say
I don't know why
it takes so long to speak honestly

that's kind of the way it works
that's kind of the way it works sometimes
that's kind of the way it works
that's kind of the way it works in my life

Is this what it feels like when dreams come reality
is this what it feels like when hearts meet over distances
so many things in front of us
so many roadblocks
so many things that could have stopped us
so many things that did
but here I am now so far away
and I know the things that I wanted to
I know the things I wanted to

but sometimes that's just the way it is
sometimes that's just the way it is from time to time
sometimes that's just the way it is
sometimes that's just the way it is in my life

here I stand
well actually I'm sitting
here I sit and dreaming about you
I can't believe you were so close and nervous
I can't believe you cared what I thought
I can't believe you wanted me to think you were pretty
because I've always thought you were pretty
I can't believe you wanted me to think you were smart
cause I've always thought you were smart
I can't believe you wanted me to think you were funny
because you make me laugh so much...honey

yeah, that line was kind of lame, I agree
I'm better but not slick and suave
I'm better with a typed word than a spoken word
unless I've got a tune behind it
and I wish I was standing
holding a mic in front of a crowd
cause somehow then I can be so much honest
I can so much real
I can be who I am
but I'm not and I can't and I won't
so it's just a dream
just a dream

but is this what happens when dreams come reality
is this what happen when truth breaks through
is this what happens when hearts connect
over distances that can't be broken through
is this what happens when dreams come reality
is this what happens  when hearts break through
is this what happens when honesty is spoken
is this what happens when walls break down
walls break down
walls break down
who would have thought that dream come reality
who would have thought you'd give a damn
who would have thought we'd ever get here
who would have thought, what comes next?
who would have thought, what comes next?
who would have thought, what comes next?
who would have thought, what comes next?


Maybe I am Human - Summer 1997

I can't see the things of this world
they are attacking me in the dark
these demons I just can't see them
oh, oh, oh but I feel them
I walk around all night and all day
they keep hitting me blindside

Chorus:
maybe I am human
maybe it's just me
maybe this is the way
it is supposed to be
but I doubt it
yes, I doubt it

I know the truth of the matter
this is my fault no one else's
I lost my way and I just can't find it
oh, oh, oh but I need it
I walk around all night and all day
I keep falling down, what can I say

Chorus:

I believe in a God, but I hurt him everyday
in every single way I hurt him so bad
why do I do this, I just don't know why
oh, oh, oh but I need it
I walk around all night and all day
I wish I could stop, but I don't know how

Chorus:

out take:
I wish I could know the truth
I wish I could show the love
I wish I could be the one
I wish I could tell others
I wish I would just stop singing
I was I was more than human [spoken]


Would the World Care? - Spring 1998

You want an over reaction? Well this song is a classic example, I once again had a crush on a girl and she kind of blew me off, so of course I went back to my dorm room and wrote a song questioning whether anyone would care if I died. On a more serious note, if you are in one of those places where you are questioning if the world would care, I don't know if they would, but I sure would miss you all, keep living please.

Would anyone care if I died right now
would anyone even shed a tear
would there be people who cared
I don't think so, and I know so

Chorus:
would the world cared if I died?
would the world even notice if I wasn't here anymore?
would the world care if I died?
would they care at all?

you see, they don't understand my situation
but then again neither do I
for I'm lost down this lonely path
and my tears, they are all dry

Chorus:

I don't think so and I know so
that the world wouldn't think twice
they don't care about a poor soul like me
they rather I just die

but I'm not going to give in so easily
I've done that way too many times
today I stand and make my declaration
today is the day that I fight

Chorus:

Well today I don't care if they care anymore
I don't care if they'd notice at all
cause today is the day I start living
today is the day I survive


Song I can't Sing - Spring 1998

walking down this street
listening to the beat
tapping my feet
knowing where to go

Chorus:
hey everybody, won't you listen to me
I've got a voice and a heart
and a song I can't sing
because none of you will give me the time
and you definitely don't wanna listen to my rhyme
but I don't care, I'm gonna belt it out anyway

walking down this street
now I'm the one with the beat
hey won't you tap your feet
cause I know where to go
and if you're willing I'll lead you home

Chorus:

cause I've got the rhythm and I've got the rhyme
and I know the score
and I won't take it anymore
cause I know I'm just as good as you
even though you look down at me

Chorus:

Now I'm a happy man
because I had a voice
and I had a heart
and I had a song you didn't want me to sing
but I sang it any old way

Melodies Stuck in My Head 4

A Day in the Life - Verse 1 Summer 1999, finished Fall 1999

Alarm sounds at quarter till 5
I get up and get back in the grind
work at a job for a measly $5.50
work all day to put food on my plate
get home at 6 after a 9 hour day

when I was young
I had so many dreams
but dreams die
and dreams pass away
now all I'm left with
is this life

Had a kid at 16
got married at 18
she left the other day
with some guy for the city
his suit cost more than my car

guess she was done
we lost our dreams
our dream died
our dream passed away
now all I'm left with
is this life

Now the kid is 10
and I'm 26
he was my everything
but now he's gone
drunk driver took him out

guess he was done
he lost his dreams
my son died
my wife passed me by
now all I'm left with
is this life

there's got to be
something better than this
but I can't find it
there's got to be
something better than this
have you got a line on it?


Lilies Bloom Again - Winter 1997

every single day
in every single way
life goes on
life also ends
roses bloom
violets scream
and...the lilies bloom again

Chorus:
the sun goes down
the rain goes away
and the lilies leave
but...I wanna see
the lilies bloom again

walking down the street
running just to get there
life is good
life is bad
roses bleed
violets scream
but...the lilies bloom again

Chorus:

people going to see
they're gonna fly
God is good
God is great
Jesus bleeds
the rocks scream
and...we are going to live again

breakdown:
lilies bloom
lilies bloom
I wanna see the lilies bloom
one more time today

Chorus: x 2


Supposed to Be - Summer 1999

A break-up song, obviously. Interestingly enough we later got back together and then I ended it, so maybe I should have been alright with it the first time around to save both of us the pain of the next months.

the time of disease
that swept through me
a day of destruction
a day of pain

it was supposed to be
the one forever
it was supposed to be
the love of a life
it wasn't

I saw you today
and nothing has changed
the pain in my eye
was there just the same

B:
you were supposed to be
the one forever
you were supposed to be
the love of my life
you weren't

a lie for a summer
waited till the end
a lie of my love
burnt down in a word

B:

I saw you today
and nothing has changed
the love in my heart
somehow you didn't kill

I saw you today
and nothing has changed
the love in my heart
I wish you would've killed


Coffee Cup - Summer 1999

sitting in this booth
staring at my coffee cup
seeing her face everywhere
remembering the heartaches
of time gone by

the coffee burns my throat
and the pain collides
both physical and emotional
I hate her for this
I hate myself too

but the pain subsides
like every other time
and I'm left searching
with this broken heart of mine

there's got to be some hope
some hope for tomorrow
and there's gotta be forgiveness
for her from me

I used to carry hate
in a big bag on my shoulder
I used to roll in it
like a pig in mud
but here I sit and sing a new song

tomorrow I'll forgive
and start again
tomorrow I'll forget
and start anew (Repeat)

sitting in this booth
staring at my coffee cup
whishing her luck in everything
the heartache passed away
and nothing is left but hope


Higher Ground - Summer 1999

I wrote a song once
that talked of losing one's way
I felt incomplete
was thinking of letting go
but now things have changed
and I'm on my way

Chorus:
to higher ground
where the grass is green
higher ground
where the air is clean
higher ground
just my savior, my God and me

this road
won't hold me no more
this place
it won't be my home
this person
I've got to let go
and let God
and I'm on my way

Chorus:

this job
it won't control me
this money
it won't be my God
this choice
is mine
and mine alone
and I'm on my way

Chorus:

this word
I will not say
this friend
I will not lead astray
I've done that before
now there's pain inside
but I'm on my way

Chorus: x 2

Melodies Stuck in My Head 3

On My Way Down - Concert Version

At some point you will get the full version of this song, but it was revised Summer of 1999 for a concert that Lazy Sunday performed at the riverfront in Wheeling, WV. I was going to share both versions with you now, but with a quick look through Songbook 1 I couldn't find it, so you'll get the longer version some other day.

Intro:
I've lost my way down this street tonight
and I don't know why
I thought I knew this place
like the back of my hand

1:
I've loved you all my life
but now you have to go away
you were my father and my friend
but now God's taken you away
you were my girl and my wife
but now you say you don't love me
and I'm falling down

Chorus:
Tell me why I'm here
I've lost my way
haven't reached the bottom yet
but I'm on my way

2:
I'm falling through this space
and through this time
and everything else, I've lost my way tonight
help me get back to where I want to be
back to your side and into your love
but I'm falling down

Chorus:

Intro:


Untitled - Fall 1997

welcome to another year
it don't seem that different
'cause nothing has changed
years go by, some faster than others
and we sit here crying over nothing
all that we are
and all that we'll be
compares to nothing that you and I can see
we get older, doesn't everybody
and we sit here crying over nothing

we live together in a world far away
away from nothing except each other
we've loved and we've lost
and we've loved again
we've aged and we've gained
and we've paid the cost
sometimes when we are far away
we walk around with our eyes closed
and we yell at each other a little more everyday

I'm sick of the yelling
and all of the bitching
I'm sick of you and I'm sick of me
patience is a virtue, one I don't have
and hatred burns bright surrounding me
hatred for you and hatred for me
hatred, you see, for everybody


What if I? - Winter 1998

What if I woke and I was blind
what if my life flashed before my eyes
what if I wasn't who I am

I've lost so much I can't get back
to where I was and where it's at
and where we all began

What if I woke and couldn't hear
what if sin was the last thing I did
what if I wasn't who I am

I've been down this road before
it is bumpy and now I'm sore and lost
in the midst of this shame

What if I woke and couldn't feel
what if love was just not real
what if I wasn't who I am

But now I know love is real
God opened my eyes, my ears, my heart
and now I am who I am


Room Temperature - Fall 1999

Inspired by the same girl as Cosmic Love.

sitting alone
in the middle
of this crowded room
heart made of stone
in the middle
of where my life does look

Chorus:
breaking
my heart
killing
my love
hating
my life

blown away
and I can't get back
to where
I was and where
it's at
room temperature

Chorus 2:
breaking
my heart
killing
my love
hating
my life
what's new today


Lie - chorus Summer 1999 verses October 2000

The chorus for Lie was written for Lazy Sunday, which by this time had changed its name to Nevermore, though we never actually performed under that title, or at least I didn't, I'm not sure about the rest of the members, I went back to college in Indiana while everyone else was still in West Virginia, and my friend and I who started the band drifted apart the next year when I stayed in Anderson working over the summer. The verses were written later, inspired by another heartbreak in a long line of "fall quick and get hurt" episodes in my younger days.

I remember a day back
in last November
when we saw each other
with a new set of eyes
no other thoughts and no lies

we walked down the lane
in the soft, sweet rain
we held each other's hands
and each other's hearts
but now a new day is dawning
and you look like you're walking away
and all I have left to say is

Chorus:
would you lie to me
if you don't love me anymore
just lie to me
when you're walking out of my door
please lie to me

I miss the days
when we walked in the rain
and I can't stand
to see you with him
you held my heart together
now you're breaking it

Chorus:

I still remember
the feel of your kiss
and I still hear
the sound of your voice
singing me to sleep
but as you walk away
all I have left to say is

Chorus: x2

Road Trippin' with the Doctor - Part 3: Scattershot Thoughts (Luke 4:31-44)

Let's begin at the beginning, of this section that is, well after I let you know what to expects in the next words, sentences, paragraphs.

This will be the last part of Luke 4, so we'll be moving on to chapter 5 next time, whenever that actually is. In this post we will encounter a few small episodes in the beginning days of Jesus's ministry. These episodes will foreshadow a lot of what is to come in the book of Luke, so you will notice these themes as we continue on our road-trip.

OK, now back to the beginning, well actually a bit before that.

In the last post I talked about Jesus's time in the synagogue where he read from Isaiah, said that he was the fulfillment of the scripture, then told the people they were unworthy of miracles, then the people tried to throw him off a cliff, and Jesus slipped through their midst like he was Ethan Hunt, if you know you know, and if you don't...I don't even know what to say to you.

Episode 1: The Demon Menace

So, Jesus leaves Galilee and travels back to his base of operations, Capernaum. There the people are amazed at his teachings because he taught as someone who had authority, in other words everyone else they heard talked as if they were just talking, and Jesus talked as if he knew what he was talking about. While at the synagogue he encounters a man possessed who told Jesus to leave them alone and said that Jesus was the Holy One of God. Jesus told him to be quiet, which he often does and then told the demon to come out of the man. The demon comes out of the man without injuring him, which must not have always been the case or Luke wouldn't have mentioned it, and then the people are even more amazed at Jesus's teachings.

Do you believe in demons? Then this story should tell you that a) the demon had knowledge of who Jesus was, and yet it was still a demon b) Jesus has power over demons c) here are people who have faith and because they have faith they see miraculous things and tell about them.

Do you not believe in demons? Then this story should tell you that a) knowledge of who Jesus is isn't what matters b) Jesus has power over whatever was ailing this man c) here are people who believe in Jesus and see him as having authority over everything else in the world, whatever else is in the world.

Episode 2: Attack of the Colds

After this Jesus goes to Simon's house...Simon is going to be soon called by another name, Peter, you know he of walking on water, sinking in the water, fighting for Jesus, denying Jesus, the rock upon which Jesus will build his church. There Jesus encounters Simon's mother-in-law who is not feeling well and he takes her fever away.

Wait Peter is married? Does he have kids? What does it all mean? It means that some of the disciples had lives beyond being disciples. It means that they were normal guys, who found themselves in an extraordinary moment. It means that if you are willing to follow Jesus your circumstances will not hold you back, unless you let them. What this tells us in a greater scheme is that Luke wants us to know that Jesus has authority over what he is teaching, Jesus has authority over the spiritual things of this world, and Jesus has the authority over the physical things of this world. For Luke Jesus is a man who is the ultimate authority.

Episode 3: The Reveal of the Extent

Finally, at sundown, the people bring to Jesus all those who are ill or are demon possessed. All night Jesus healed the infirmed and cast out demons while he told them to be quiet about who he actually was. As the sun rose Jesus goes off to a solitary place, most likely to commune with God and to recharge his batteries. I tend to think that Jesus was probably a lot like John Coffey in The Green Mile, whenever he performed a miracle power left him and he needed to rest and relax.

[While it is not the point I set out to make, I think it is very important to remember that in order to give we have to have something to give in the first place. We must be healthy enough to give, we must be rested enough to give, we must say enough no's to things so that we can say yes to other things.]

The people go looking for Jesus, because they miss him and because they want him to stay, but Jesus says "I must proclaim the good news of the Kingdom of God to the other towns also, because that is why I was sent."

[Now to the point I did want to make]

The good news isn't just for Capernaum. It isn't just for your hometown either. It's not just for your church, local or larger. It's not just for your country. It's not just for those who look like you or think like you or vote like you. It has been said before that the good news has to be good for everyone or else it's not really good. I agree with that, it has to be good for you and for others, good for you and your enemies, good for everyone.

In case you haven't noticed, I sometimes think in ways that a lot of people don't, maybe that is a design flaw, maybe its because of my ego or because of my ignorance, but I am beginning to think that maybe its just because I am called to speak to a different group of people. A group of people who don't think the way that those inside the walls of most churches do. A group of people who have been burned or left behind or forsaken by that other group. You see, I talk a lot about Jesus but I often vacillate between faith and atheism, between orthodoxy and heresy, between morality and immorality, between loving the church and wanting to put it in my rearview, between being a pastor and not wanting to be one. And I am beginning to realize that there are a lot of people out there that are like me in some way, I am beginning to realize that we all have more in common than we might realize and less differences than we want to believe.

Last week when I shared my post I said that I guess I'm back...now I know I am.

peace and love,
Kenny

Melodies Stuck in My Head 2

Here we go again...

Diving In - Fall 1999

I jumped into the deep end of the ocean
swam to reach the edge
edge of this world of sin
and edge of myself

Diving in to the water
it's overflowing my soul
diving in to the water
from the eternal spring
that's making me whole

I fell into the deep end of the ocean
falling further from the shore
can't see the sand or the swimmers
or even the lifeguard

sinking under the water
it's overflowing my soul
sinking under the water
from the eternal spring
that's making me whole

he came to dive into the water
to show us the way
so we can be free, free forever
free from all of this sin

walking over the water
he's guiding my path
walking over the water
from the eternal spring
he's making me whole

Coulda Been There - chorus Spring 1999, finished Jan 2001

Most of the "I's" in my songs are literally me, how I see/saw the world, how it makes/made me feel, but sometimes I set myself projects, wanting to write songs about certain topics or from some other viewpoint. This is one of the latter, I wrote the chorus thinking of a particular girl, one that got engaged before I ever met her, but when I got around to finishing the song almost 2 years later, I couldn't even remember her name, so I had to change the perspective from someone pining for a mystery woman to someone who has lost the relationship that they are still in.

I saw you yesterday
on the other side of the street
you were just standing there
but you blew me away
an angel in dress
waiting for a cab
my heart in my chest
waiting for someone like you
then out of the corner of my eye
a twinkling ring in the sunlight lay
on your finger that holds you to another

Chorus:
I wish I coulda been there
when you first got here
I wish I coulda been there
to be the love of your life
I wish I coulda been there
to make you my wife
but someone got there first
someone won while I lost...but that's ok

I saw you today
on the same side of the street
you were standing there
as I passed on my way
an angel in pants
waiting for a cab
my heart in my chest
catching it's breath
thank God I do not know you
thank God we have never met
cause if we had I'd be forced to kill your husband

Chorus:

I'll see you tomorrow
on the side of the street
and I won't care
as we pass on our way
an angel in plaid skirts
waiting for your man
my heart in my chest
pounding for you
the wife I don't know
the wife I've never met
the rings on our fingers the only thing we recollect

Chorus:

cause that one is me

Happy Dome - Fall 1998

walk this way
and talk this way
please pay up front
for you'll never come out again

Chorus:
this is my happy dome
please make it your happy home

Jump up and down
scream very loud
do whatever you want
for you'll love this place forever

Chorus:

Be happy forever
have pain never
be whatever you want
for you'll never remember reality

Chorus: x2

never leave
never cry
never hate
never die

Cosmic Love - Fall 1999

This song was written for a redhead that was in my Chemistry Lab, her name was Nicole, but I only learned that after the fact. She was simply a pretty girl on the other side of the room that looked as if she was a million miles away.

Across the room you sit
you're not really here
are you?
I am consumed by this moment
you're merely drifting away

as you float past stars
and their planets
do you ever think of me
floating in the milky way
so far beyond me

Chorus:
I cry
I sit here and sob
do you realize
my pain

you land on Venus
where your beauty
it belongs
I sit here on Earth
waiting for your return

you're forgetting every moment
you don't remember
you used to care
and sitting here in this
very stony silence

Chorus:

I remember the times
when we sat here
hand in hand
laughing at each other's jokes
falling more and more into love

Chorus:

my pain (till fade)

Walking on Water - verse 1, pre-chorus, chorus Fall 1998, verses 2 & 3 Summer 2003

Here is another one where the "I" is not me, I roughly remember what I was doing 20 years ago, but I can't recall if anyone was the inspiration for the first section, and I know that no one was an inspiration for the second half.

you were the most beautiful girl
I had ever seen
master of my heart in only one day
I stumbled and fell
I didn't tell you the truth
now walking on water ain't the same

pre-chorus:
please girl won't you tell me
how to tell the truth again
how to fall in love again
how to be with you again

Chorus:
Cause walking on water
doesn't mean much to me
no walking on water
doesn't bring me to you
for I'm lost and lonely
and crying on the floor
crying for the love
the love that you gave to me

you were the best wife I could ever have
even though you're the only one
lord and master of my life
I stumbled and fell
I cheated on you
now walking on water it ain't the same

pre-chorus:

Chorus:

You ask me, what I am talking about
what does love
have to do with water?
what I mean to say
is miracles aren't that much
as long as love doesn't come

Chorus:

Melodies Stuck in My Head 1

Have I mentioned that I used to be a song writer? Not officially of course, except for a few months back in my early college years when I was in a band called Lazy Sunday, but unofficially for years, and then I mainly stopped. Lately though I have been feeling a bit of a tug to do two things, a) I want to release my creativity a little bit more & b) I feel the need to share the songs that I once dreamed I would share with the world. So this is going to be Step B, and maybe a little bit of Step A also from time to time.

Every so often I'm going to share 5 songs at a time, just the lyrics as most of the melodies are just stuck in my head, hence the title. These songs were mainly written between 1994 and 2008, a time that covers between my sophomore year of High School through the first few years of marriage.

That was, obviously a time of great change in my life, my views, my beliefs, my language and to that end, a disclaimer: some of these songs may have language in them you don't like, they may talk about things you don't like, they may say and talk about things I don't much like either, but I'm going to share them anyway...if they speak to you great, if they don't great.

Some of them I will tell you the stories behind, some I won't, just depends on how much I remember and how much I want to share on the subject.

One last thing, they will be shared in the order I wrote them out in my songbooks, which is not the order they were actually written in, at least not always.

Anyways, on to the songs if you want to read them.

Peace and Love,
Kenny


Whatever My Name Is - Winter 2000

If I knew
the words to say
to make
you want to stay
I would say them
yes, I would say them

Sometimes I wish
I could turn back time
but all I do
is sit here and whine
I wish I could turn back those hands
but time is done and time is gone

Chorus:
The time from whence
our love came is gone
but I'll find a way to go on
or my name isn't
whatever the hell my name is

I could probably
say I'm sorry
but the words
would come out sloppy
I'm sorry my feelings have changed
but change has come and change is here

sometimes I
remember the pain
sometimes it
hurts me so bad
but I can't take it away
but pain was here and pain has faded away

Chorus:

Bridge: x 2
the time has passed
the pain is gone
the change has come
the words move on

Chorus:

Or my name isn't
whatever the hell my name is
my name isn't
whatever the hell my name is
my name isn't
whatever the hell my name is

Charlie - Winter 2000

So, I went to college at Anderson University and on the second floor of Hartung Hall there was a Bearded Dragon in a large fish tank named Charlie. I would walk past him 3 times a week on my way to and from class and occasionally on other days when I needed to talk to someone who wouldn't talk back.

Charlie
why do you sit there
doing nothing but staring back at me?
Charlie
why do you eat that bug
that is crawling on the ground?

Charlie
your  life is so simple sometimes
sometimes I envy you

Charlie
why do you sit there
wagging your tail back and forth?
Charlie
why do you stare at me
with those eyes buggin out at me?

Charlie
in the scheme of things sometimes
I wish I could be you

Charlie
do you ever think about me
and the way that my world works?
Charlie
do you ever wonder
why we all walk back and forth?

Charlie
do you understand
the awe you inspire in us

Cause I can see clearly now
with you sitting there
I can see clearly now
with the light bearing down on you
I can see clearly now
can you see clearly too?

Sad Face - January 2000

Why are you there with that sad look upon your face?
why are you crying, what's wrong, can I ask?

It seems so long ago
and so far away
but you were mine (were you mine)
just the other day (just the other day)

I don't know what's happened to us
and I don't see how we came to this place

you seem so far away
emotionally & physically
and I can't cry (no I can't)
as the pain ebbs away (as the pain ebbs away)

don't leave me now (this I pray)
don't leave me now (this I scream)
please, please don't leave me now

It's Been a Long Time - Winter 2000

Chorus:
It's been a long time
since I felt so out of place
(and) it's been a long time
since I couldn't place your face
(and) it's been a long time
since I lost my way

You look so great to me
you feel so good to me
your kisses invade my soul
your beauty has captured my whole

but you went away
left me here alone
and it's been a long time
since I felt this way

Chorus:

I see you as you walk away
I lose you with every step you take
those kisses are blowing in the wind
that beauty is drifting away

Now I am here alone
since you went away
and it's been a long time
since I felt this pain

Chorus:

I was Crying - Winter 2000

I don't know what you do to me
but it sends a shot up my spine
I just can't comprehend
but it feels so good...in my dreams

Chorus:
I was crying
just the other day
I was trying
to find my way

B:
Every time I see you it happens
there's just some kind of attraction
I don't even know your name
but I swear I see your face...in my dreams

Chorus:

Every time I see you it happens
babe, I just want to be near you
can I introduce myself?
can we connect somehow?...in reality

B:

Chorus: x2
...to you

p.s. Have you made it this far? If so, congrats. Also, you have noticed that I used to be somewhere on the scale of lovesick college guy, liking a fair few girls and being a complete coward in regards to voicing my interests...this is a theme that will repeat over and over and over again...just so you know.

Road Trippin' with the Doctor - Part 2: The Statement's Mission (Luke 4:14-30)

It's been a minute, hasn't it? Since I've been using a road trip as my metaphor for this conglomeration of blogs I will say that the past few months have been a whirlwind of car issues: a blown tire, a dead battery, a clogged intake valve. But after way too long in the shop or on the way home from the shop or on the way back tot he shop the car is finally out and road worthy, so let's back to this journey.

The second thing [following Jesus being tempted in the desert by the devil] that I come across in Luke 4 is Jesus's first recorded time in the synagogue in Nazareth. We find Jesus entering the synagogue, as was his custom, and standing up to read. To Jesus was handed a scroll from the prophet Isaiah. We do not know how much of Isaiah was contained in the scroll, perhaps the whole book, perhaps just a part of it, but however much it contained Jesus turned to what we know as Isaiah 61:1, 2, or at least most of it, which we will get to in a little bit.

The Spirit of the Lord is on me
because he has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor
He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners
and recovery of sight for the blind,
to set the oppressed free,
to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor.

Then Jesus sits down, everyone looks at him and he states that in this moment this scripture has come true. At first the crowd is amazed and speaks well of him, until the troll speaks up and says, "Isn't this Joseph's son?" Then Jesus suggests that the crowd will want miracles, like he did in Capernaum, and tells them that they won't see them, and shares two stories, from their own history.

A) he speaks of Elijah and how there were many widows in his time, but he was sent to a widow from Sidon.

B) he speaks of Elisha and how there were many people who had leprosy in his time, but that he was sent to a man from Syria.

This enrages the people and they decide to drive Jesus out to a nearby cliff and toss him off it. Luckily, as you will see from time to time within the gospels, Jesus is a very stealthy kind of guy and he just walks through the angry mob and "went on his way"

There is your Luke 4:14-30 walkthrough, now let's unpack a few things, if you don't mind...

1) As I said Jesus picked these particular verses on purpose, this is no mere chance Bible page flip. Not only that but Jesus edited the Isaiah passage a little bit, and that also is no accident.

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me
because the Lord has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God

Do you notice the big thing missing from Jesus's reading? Isaiah talks of the one that is to come to both proclaim the year of the Lord's favor as well as the day of God's vengeance, whereas Jesus speaks of proclaiming the year of the Lord's favor and leaves out any mention of God's vengeance. I believe that this is because Jesus's mission had nothing to do with bringing God's vengeance to us, nor stopping God's vengeance upon us, but rather about making us all aware of the existence of God's favor upon us. God favor's us, in our brokenness, in our blindness, in our captivity, in our banality, in our sinfulness...in all those states and more, God favors us.

2) Why those stories, and why the rage that they caused within the people? First off a little difference between Nazareth and Capernaum: Nazareth was a very Israelite area and Capernaum was not. A question arises as to Jesus's origin, in other words, how can this man says things like this, he's just the local carpenter's kid, how can this man claim what he claims, it's the one who threw mud on the teacher, or kissed your daughter, or son, or cussed, or drank, or did whatever rates in your eyes as to make him/her lesser. Many of us has been Jesus in this instance, attempting to move beyond where and who we have come from while others are trying to remind us of our limitations.

So, as my Church History Professor, Dr. Froese would say, Jesus pricked them. He told them two short stories about how two prophets, men chosen by God to speak for God, had been sent not tot the hurting and needy in Israel but were rather sent to gentiles and God's power and grace shown upon them. In the same way Jesus is telling the people that God's power and grace has been shown among the gentiles in Capernaum but would be hard pressed to shine among those in Israel. I think that the main reason that Jesus could and did do miracles in certain places and couldn't  and didn't do miracles in other places has to do with the expectations of those in his midst.

The people who couldn't let go of the past, couldn't let go of the origins, couldn't let go of the limitations missed out on the wonders that were available. The people who did not grow up in the traditions and stories and legends, who didn't expect anything from God, nor expect God to do anything particularly for them were shown things far and above what they thought even possible.

The takeaway:
From this friends I would ask you to do two things, first remember that God favors you no matter your situation, be it ideal or far from ideal; secondly allow God to be God, to do what God will or will not do, and let go of all those things that can hinder God, your past, your expectations, your requirements.

Peace and Love,
Kenny

Storm Steps

Anyone need any refreshments? Cause we are about to take an exit ramp on our little road trip:

I have a friend who is going through a rough time right now. Well, actually they have been going through a rough time for quite some time and thought that they had finally started to see sun-rays breaking through the cloud cover, instead though what was breaking through moments ago disappeared as a new influx of storm clouds swooped in. My friend doesn't know where the sun went, or why it went, or if or when it will ever come back. I understand what this friend is going through better than I would like to admit, I've been there before, stuck in the place when you thought you were on your way out. Since I've been there before I want to offer a little advice to my friend and to other friends, lovers, acquaintances and strangers who might be going through the same or similar thing.

1) Don't give up hope, no matter how hopeless it may seem, the same wind that brought the storm in WILL send the storm out. I know, I know, believe me I know, it may not feel like it will, but it will. There will be a day, and its probably coming sooner than you think, where you will look back on the storm, and look back on the eye of the storm that you thought was the end, and look back on the actual end and think, damn, I'm all right.

2) Focus on this moment, this breath, focusing on only this moment will be the most difficult thing you can learn to do, it may also be the single most useful thing you could do. If you act like you've always acted, the same things will happen, act differently, change your focus, narrow it, right now you are seeing things you can't understand, can't fix, and possible can't even handle, stop looking at it. If you can master only looking where you can and should look, amazing things will start to happen.

3) Once you focus on this moment, begin to focus on the next, the next moment, the next breath, the next step, you don't need to know the final destination, you can't anyway, the final destination ends up changing a million times every hour, all you need to know is the next step, as Martin Luther King Jr. would say, that is faith. And in every facet of life faith is important, and I mean that independent of your views on God, every person has faith, some in a higher power, some in the sun rising, some in themselves, some in mathematics or scientific proofs, but we all have faith and more importantly we all need to have faith, I would argue that we were made that way by God, but you can just say evolution created a need for faith in the hairless monkeys if you prefer.

4) Find someone to talk to, to let it out, be that a person, God, or even yourself, and keep looking if the person you find doesn't show you grace, grace is of utmost importance in the storm, because you're going to make some mistakes, and some of those mistakes will seem like the right thing to do in the moment, forgive yourself, but get rid of anyone who is not forgiving you.

5) Breathe. Just breathe. In every moment breathe. This is you breathing. This is you still breathing. Repeat that as much as you need to, let it become a mantra that is automatic. Breathing will calm you down when angry. Breathing will lift you up when down. Breathing brings you life and energy. Rob Bell, a guy who was officially paid as a pastor and is not any longer, says that the literal word for God is actually the sound of breathing. Rob says that when we are born, the first thing we do is say the name of God, and we die when we can no longer say God's name. There is something strong and comforting in that idea, so remind yourself that you are breathing, if you would like remind yourself that you are constantly saying the name of God. As long as breath is coming into and out of your lungs there is still a chance that things might change, and in truth that chance is 100%, change is constant and if you are waiting for something to change, just give it a little time my friend, it will.

Peace and Love,
Kenny

Let's get back on the road, shall we?