Prompting Creation 3: The Lie I Tell Myself

Name one thing you have lied to yourself about. Why did you do this?

If I am honest to myself this could be a very long list, thankfully it only asks for one. I think the lie I tell myself the most often is "it doesn't matter". This one lie covers a whole gamut of lies, because they most all begin with the concept that if I do X "it doesn't matter" or if I don't do X "it doesn't matter". If I don't speak up about the things that really matter to me "it doesn't matter" because if I did speak up about those same things "it doesn't matter." If I let that person get away with that one thing "it doesn't matter". If I act like everything is all right "it doesn't matter". "It doesn't matter" if I close myself off to _______. "It doesn't matter" if I just coast by instead of doing my best. "It doesn't matter" if I tell this little lie, or that bigger lie, or that biggest lie.

The truth of the matter is that it all matters. Each decision effects the next decision, each moment the next moment. It effects me and it effects others, whether I or them are aware of it or not. It is the proverbial butterfly causing the hurricane, even if that particular analogy isn't factual, but on a more meaningful plane it is. Each flap of the wing, each twitch of the eye, each everything reverberates across the spectrum that is life. So, it does matter, all of it.

There, that's the answer to the first part. Of, course there is still a second part.

Why? That is the ultimate question, always has been, always will be. The answer is as simple and complex as you might imagine it is...Because I wanted to do what I shouldn't have done. I wanted to be quiet so that I could get by without being pushed back on. I wanted to have the pleasure that I wanted to have and damn the consequences. I wanted to be friends with the popular kids even though they didn't really like me. I wanted to take it easy, I wanted a break, I wanted to be free. I did it ultimately and finally because I wanted to, and because I didn't want to. I didn't want to speak up. I didn't want to fight back. I didn't want to say that I don't believe the same way. I didn't want to explain myself. I didn't want to be a hero, or a coward, or anything.

I find it interesting that there is not a third part to today's prompt, there is no part about "will you continue to do it?" Perhaps that's because it was looking for a single solitary lie, while I universalized it. Perhaps it's because this book is not necessarily about change. But since I have thought about the question I will answer it as well.

I will try not to, at least not as much. I will try to be better. Try not to be silent when I should speak and try to be silent when I should keep my mouth shut. I will try to stand up for those who can't stand for themselves in the places that I have access to that they do not. I will try to honor my relationships, my work, my beliefs more than I have. I will try to be the person I claim to be instead of the one I choose to be. After all this life is a journey, I just need to remember to keep moving.

Peace and Love,
Pastor K