Headlines, Bone Marrow, and What Ifs

I didn't plan on writing another blog tonight. I don't know if I will publish this one after I finish typing it, sometimes you just need to type out the thoughts in order to possibly purge them from your mind.

As is my nightly ritual, once Henry falls asleep and I get back from work I usually end up at the computer. Some times Mary will be on her iPad, often she'll already be asleep, and so I go into the office and check email and Facebook and play Candy Crush and check ESPN and play Candy Crush again if I have gotten any more lives and check USA Today for any news I may have missed that day.

This happened just a few minutes ago. Upon landing at USA Today I saw a headline that Tom Brokaw was diagnosed with cancer. My first thought was, that's too bad, I always enjoyed watching the news when Mr. Brokaw was anchor at NBC Nightly, I have also read a few of his books about the men and women of World War II, the so-called Greatest Generation. My second thought, I wonder what kind of cancer he has. I thus clicked on the headline in order to read the article.

It wasn't very far into the article that I found that Mr. Brokaw had been diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma, a cancer that attacks the blood cells found in Bone Marrow. My third thought, that's the same cancer that my dad died from just a few weeks more than 30 years ago. Needless to say that my heart hurt a bit. I then clicked back to the front page and saw that the next article had to do with Multiple Myeloma, explaining what it is in greater detail. I decided to click on that article as well.

Not too far into this second article my heart fell and leaped and twirled endlessly into a depressed oblivion. Why? Well, it seems that science has had some breakthroughs in the past few decades. You see, what used to kill in 2 or 3 years now can be fought against for upwards of a decade. I rejoice that cancer treatment has moved forward. I rejoice that families have more time. I rejoice. But I also rage.

I rage because I can't help but wonder how my life would be different if my dad had more time, if I had more time. My dad died a few months before my 6th birthday. And in my moments of honesty I can barely recall much about my time with my dad. As I have said to people I don't know if I have actual memories of my dad, or if I just have memories of memories. But what if? What if? What if instead of a few months before my 6th birthday dad lived until a few months before my 12th? How many more memories would be real and tangible and unforgettable?

I know, I know, what ifs don't bring us joy or completeness, but I can't help but wonder. I know my life would have been drastically different. My mom remarried when I was ten. I moved from Ohio to West Virginia when I was ten. But if dad would have had more time I may never have moved to Ohio in the first place. Maybe I would still be in New York, talking with a Staten Island accent. My life would have been different, I may never have walked a path on ministry. I may never have met my wife, or become a father to my son.

I like my life most days, but I can't help but wonder, what if? What if, like in Star Trek and Comic Books, there are alternate universes that hinge on choices and details and life events? What if in some other version of now I talk a little different and walk a little different and I meet my dad every Saturday for coffee?

Tonight I will say a little prayer for Tom Brokaw, that his life will last a little longer and his pain will be a bit less and that when his time comes he will leave behind less what ifs.

I think I might just say that same prayer for myself.

Peace and Love,
Pastor K