My Confession

Don't think of me as an example, the only one is Jesus.
Don't think of me as a leader, the only one is God.
Don't think of me as something special, I'm only a failed stupid man
Don't think of me as a savior, I'm barely alive myself

I can't tell you the times that I have been pulled back from the brink of destruction.  I can't tell you how many times I've failed.  The number is so high I decided to stop counting.  I often pray that the Bible tells the truth when it speaks of God forgetting our sin, cause man, if God remembers, I'm not sure I want to go to heaven. I preach a gospel that I so often don't believe.  One of hope and strength and love and forgiveness.  One of acceptance and power and tears being wiped away, while I am often in the midst of crying.

I don't know how to be a pastor, I pretty much just make it up as I go, hoping to fool all those around me, and hopefully fool myself as well.  I've only been a husband for six years but already I've stopped keeping count of the times I've let Mary down, with words that I've spoken, or those I've kept to myself.  I promised words of honor and fidelity yet I get angry over stupid &#*% and choose my own good over hers so often.

I've been to college and I've been to seminary yet I have no discipline of learning, heck I pretty much BS'ed my way through both degrees.  I was a history and philosophy major in undergrad and hardly recollect what Plato or Aristotle or Abraham Lincoln ever said.  I took enough classes to get an M.Div. but instead have an M.T.S. because I didn't want to spend 400 hours in a hospital, because I can't stand being in them.  I've made promise after promise, to friends and family, spouse and unborn child and I am not very good at keeping them.

I've failed myself even more than I've failed anyone else.  I always believe I'll do better, and for awhile maybe I do, but sooner or later [usually sooner] I fall back to my old ways, oftentimes falling deeper into them then I was when I promised to stop.  I lack enthusiasm in almost every area of my life.  I worry that all I am doing is holding the hand of death as opposed to walking something back to life.  I worry that I'll never be the man that I not only want to be, but the one that the people around me need to be.

I don't have many friends, at least not the deep kind.  I have people I'm friendly to, and I am a good listener, but my own life is a blank slate to those around me.  They know what I do, who I'm married to, and that I am about to have a son, but that's about it.  I used to be better about opening myself up to others, but I think I got to a point where I didn't like who I was so I didn't want anyone to know who I was either.  It's simpler that way.  You don't have anyone knowing the depth of your depravity nor do you have to deal with people who say you're not that bad.

I've gained the view that we are all salvageable because I desperately hope that I am.  I've gained the view that God loves everyone, the sinner and the saint, because I hope it's true for me.  But I have an untold amount of views that would get me into trouble with my own religious establishment.  I am afraid to be honest.  I am afraid to share.  I am afraid to be courageous, because it just got Jesus killed.  I am afraid of the future and the present.  I am afraid that one day I'll walk too far away and not know how to reach the shore.  That I'll just keep drifting into nothingness.

I know that we all have bad days and weeks and months and years.  I know that we all get down sometimes, which is why I don't give up, why I keep hoping even when hope is difficult to find.  It's why I keep trying to love even in the times I don't love myself very well.  It's why I keep preaching every Sunday, in hopes that I could touch one life, mine.

If you're reading this I want you to know that I'm all right, I'm not morose or depressed.  I'm not suicidal or even thinking that way.  I am just confessing because I've been thinking a lot about the power of confession and how maybe the Catholics have it right, that sometimes we just need to get things off of our chest.  Already I feel a little lighter then I did when I started this post.  Already the day seems brighter, the darkness a little less tight, hope and love seem right around the corner, that's where I'm headed, hope to see you there.

Peace and Love,
Pastor K